Golf grappen

The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Ten years on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.

I did all of that?

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Slow golfers are ahead of us

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

I want to buy a golf ball

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.

Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.

The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.

As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"

"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

A New Set Of Golf Clubs

"I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!"

"Great trade!"

Golfer Goes to the Emergency Room

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. "That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

Golf On The Sly

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Wedding anniversary

A golfer was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him; "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.

Correct stance

Fred and Harry emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Roger looked distracted.

"Anything the matter, mate?" Harry asked.

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Fred replied.

"What's the matter with the pro?" quizzed Harry.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance."

"He's only trying to help your game," Harry soothed.

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

Good Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen...

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ..... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?

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Capsule Story Cras enim. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Ut eu augue. Integer risus wisi, semper eu, congue quis, lobortis ut, massa. Vestibulum auctor vestibulum lectus. Vivamus neque. Cras lobortis. Aenean ut turpis eu libero volutpat euismod. Donec eget lectus vitae ligula ornare tempor. Vivamus scelerisque lorem a elit. Sed id mauris.	Capsule Story Cras enim. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Ut eu augue. Integer risus wisi, semper eu, congue quis, lobortis ut, massa. Vestibulum auctor vestibulum lectus. Vivamus neque. Cras lobortis. Aenean ut turpis eu libero volutpat euismod. Donec eget lectus vitae ligula ornare tempor. Vivamus scelerisque lorem a elit. Sed id mauris.